Focused visualisation on perfect health, as often as possible. 10x a day. maybe more. Feel warmth in the body.
Address my crippling lack of self worth and self sabotage, for years. Wrap it in warmth.
Find things that make me feel nurtured and happy and wanted.
Find all the episodes of deep ugliness in my life and ...wrap them in warmth. Bring clarity to confusion. Accept that they happened and find the gold within them. In order:
Mum hitting me and flying out of control
Marcus spitting in my face
Chris Woods beating me
Aimee kissing Ashley Fitpatrick and feeling broken hearted.
Feeling like I should never ask for anything because all that would happen is rejection.
The brutality with which I hated myself - that it broke off into another part of my personality that wanted purely to be sadistic and ugly. and that it probably let me get ill.
The shame I felt at the first day of St Bedes. How it never really let up and how I felt mocked by my peers and certaintly by my distant acquaintances.
This main feeling carried over through LGS and Rawlins, and even Drumtech.
It was echoed in every one of my painful experiences in love.
So what's the issue here? WORTHINESS. The feeling of BASIC WORTH AND VALUE.
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