To the bottom.

I find people boring. I have no interest in what they are doing. I feel guilt for this, because my emotionally stunted father makes me feel guilty. I feel violent rage and anger at him because of this, and the fact he's never here. He has no right whatsoever to instill this in me. I want to punch him in the face.

My mother is a little girl with no mother and a prick of a father who treated her appallingly. In the past, she swung between obnoxious shrieking and manipulative, lonesome weeping. Me and my sister felt deep pity and furious rage towards her for her tactics. My sister actually struck her once.

I feel like I'm above the ridiculous society in which I inhabit and wish to push the shame it has instilled in me right back its' rotten throat. I would rather be a leech, and often alone, than participate. This is why I sabotaged myself with bad grades and bad friends.

I still don't know why I suffer from paraletic fear. I can only theorise that it was because I was never allowed to be angry when I was young. I was made to suffer for it. Now there is a deep, burning, out of control sad fury in me that wants to destroy everything. That my early romantic entanglements spectacularly and gruesomely imploded no doubt contributed.
I have spent my entire life in solitude and bitterness, going over these concepts and burying ugliness deep into my foundation. I am both the worst of my parents. Anger, fear, and guilt.
Now I get to be manipulative, lazy, and ugly too. Just look at my last post.