Nothing riles my flesh, chills me to the bone MORE than NON BONELESS MEAT. To feel the harsh jagged edge of bone chip my teeth and send me into a hystrionic frenzy of toothache as my gums dissolve into blood sprinklers because some meatpacking abattoir loving fuckhead wanted to produce a cheaper alternative, makes me BOIL. The slippery assholes may be good at saving their money on the cutting floor, but they'll pay back in the end, in their own blood!
FAKE TITS - Now there's a subject that nips at my mammaries.
I feel sorry for the weakwilled, lily livered ladies who, in their moments of painful insecurity, decide that the only way to attract the already desperately hormonally overdriven male classes is to ENHANCE the parts of them that drive the guys insane REGARDLESS OF SIZE. Come ON girls, it's not too tricky to attract a man in this day and age! just say "i like it everywhere, let's go boogaloo"! That's IT. Job DONE. +1 male. I repeat, there is NO NEED to stick a sack of silicon in your chest. If there is some other reason, for example if you believe that the large mass will make up for the brain power or lack thereof crawling through your nervous system at a snails pace, as if silicon has some magical IQ component, then you deserve the inevitable implant rupture, silicon poisoning, and eventual death that will come upon you.
That'll be 3 thousand dollars please.
Hippies have been berated for many years. I personally find myself not glowing with a reverential hatred, but more of a cold, grey loathing for them, not unlike lung cancer. Not only does their committal to a vague, mysterious cause against the vague, mysterious enemy of Big Bad Money Company Thing Dot Inc chafe, but their vague, mysterious attitude. Not to mention, they fucking smell.
I have often found myself with a hippie on each leg, holding on for dear life as i surf through the cosmos of time, and all they can muster up is "you got money for a doobie?!" I can barely raise a finger to flick them off. Through the power of my infinitely superior will, they flake away like the proverbial dustmite. Because i'm doing something with my life. And they just fucking SMELL. I cannot muster the rage against them that other, more successful persons might. I have a dying tumour for each and every hippie in the world. Those grey pasty faced fools. They remind me of barry sipping tea with his aunt in their actual lack of vitality. They can stumble around all they want on LSD and the famous "brown acid". BUT THEY STILL FUCKING SMELL.
Female comedians - The detritus of the club circuit. It might be deemed un PC to rail on a woman in this day and age, as it seems the male is now meant to protect the innocent lady from all obstacles. but personally, the stage has no place for feminine firebreathers with inability to create jokes beyond basic observation, loose grasp of irony, looser emotional control, and a trigger finger. That's right. Thinking of going to see a female comic? Imagine your mother on stage. In drag. "IT'S TIME FOR ALL YOUR BEDTIMES NOW! NO ARGUING!" *click click*. The art of comedy is an irresponsible, joyful one. One that I see being clamped down on by iron maidens everywhere! BEWARE THE BEAST WITHIN....the local pub on a saturday night performing to drunk gang members. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Argentina - The horrible nation patrolled by reptiles that spawned Evita and thus the cinematic abortion of the same name. Anything related to Madonna should be castrated from the public consciousness, burned, incinerated, never to return. That means an entire NATION of otherwise blame free people. To inspire Andrew Lloyd Webber and subsequent film adaptations of his work featuring the child of Satan? Their existence should be NULLIFIED.
School - Orwell was right. That's right everyone, 1984 is being bred in the backyards of suburbia at your local primary school. Minature chavs seethe on top of the to-be depressed in a nauseatingly violent pre pubescent display of pummelling, and the teachers wield their certified weapons, sorry, text books, as a egotistical display of social superiority. I can't believe it's law for me to go to a building where my soul and innocence is beaten down. This is time that could in fact, actually be spent wanking. Who needs education reform, NUKE ALL THE SCHOOLS EVERYWHERE.
My Underpants - A formless, blank, whore of a piece of clothing that holds no clue to the wonders within. I beg of you, the ones that went sky blue in the wash are certified toxic. Overall, my opinion of these? They are without function, a pathetic use for fabric that could be used to build my own hammock. Society says otherwise? Fuck society, and FUCK UNDERPANTS.
Human Rights - Pfft. Overrated. All humans ever do is eat, sleep, fuck and die. I think the rest is excessive. I've stated my views on education. Time to force children into LABOUR CAMPS. Little bastards believe in rights over responsibility? Well soon they'll learn of the responsibility to AVOID MY LOADED SNIPER RIFLE. Fucknuggets.
Cookbooks - HAHAHAHAHAH. The concept alone amuses me. You call yourself a MAN? You don't need that pansy ass shit. You belong in the WILD, RIPPING RAW MEAT FROM THE HINDSIDE OF A DEER AS IT GRAZES BESIDE YOU. Now THAT'S cooking motherfucker!
Denim Jackets - The choice of garment for the prematurely ejaculating teen of modern America. Their choice of music is probably indie and they hold at least 2 Morrisey LPs under their crusty armpits for the lone reason that the man himself will appear to give their items collectable value. Solution: napalm.
Strawberry Flavoured Milk - If this had not been envisioned in an advertising executive's janitor room, I'm sure Hitler would have used this instead of Zyklon-B for his final solution. The acrid taste recalls trapped stool in the mouth mixed with McFlurry Dog Semen edition.
Toenails - Meaningless, horrible devices only designed with the Guinness Book Of World Records crowd in mind. "HEY MA I GOT MY NAILS REALLY LAUNG, I BREAK RECOOOORDS!!!" Shoot him please. Besides, I've seen what's behind a nail and it makes little to no difference if the damn thing is there in the first place. Nice going God!
Airplanes - Look at the nice tin can. Not. It's a bilious, roaring mass, airbourne mucus with inefficient American gusto. I pray nightly for them all to fall to the ground in syncronized glory.
Homeless People - No real complaint. You and I are one step away from being fucking bums so I'm not going to complain. No, I'm changing this one to NOT HOMELESS PEOPLE. "Ooh look at me, I have a house and modern amenities! My future is secure!" Watch out for that corner, BANG, you've been buttfucked by a Rottweiler and your mutual savings on the internet is GONE. The option that says "Yes I would like to stay logged in" is a GREAT defense against a dog who has lingustic control of the English language and enough motor control over his paws to transfer all YOUR money to his off shore account in Cuba. FUXX0RED.
Garbage - HAH. I love garbage. Good tasty fun. Bring it, I'll bring the hobos here too, we can party. Today we live, tomorrow we die, and you get screwed in the ass by a dog in your home.
Motorhead - OK, Lemmy is God, then I have him to blame for the toenail fiasco. WHY?!?! Well, it makes sense, Lemmy isn't reknowned for his visual complexity Himself.
Microsoft Word - Bill Gates brought together the finest computing minds in the country, and gave us a paperclip, a dog, and a New Age bullshit BALL as help assistants. This clearly reflects on the quality of the program. I wanted a flourescent green with pink dots skin, not this grey and blue crap. You thought the XP crew might have come up with something that gay after making such a camp paperclip. "Ooh let's call him CLIPPY". "WOW. Great 4 year old demographic you got going there". Yes, and let's counteract that with the fact he's animated to give you a decidedly homoerotic dirty look. Just STUPID.
USB Cables - And to continue their spree of poor sexual mindedness, they had to call each end of the USB cable "male" and "female". Of course, it could be "A" and "B". But NOOOOOOO. Male = invasive, female = OH TAKE ME PLEASE. There's sex EVERYWHERE today. I've HAD IT!
British Humor - The epitome of "laughing at". The bitter, sly taste of British "wit" is so far gone foreign people now can clearly see below the surface and see the proud, stupid facade it all is. Not to mention the whole British nation's fear of embarrassment. Which I'm sure is easy to stimulate, just mention Margaret Thatcher and the Falkland Islands. The ones who are proud of it are shitheads anyway.
Styrofoam - I will keep this one short. Do not leave this in the room whilst breastfeeding. I won't explain why, but the truth is out there.
Peanut Butter - My brain freezes upon the mental recall of the sticky drip that is peanut butter. Like a cold swab of jism, it sticks to the mouth and refuses to budge until wrenched free - with super glue. Woe betide the man who has the crunchy version, which I want eradicated from stores. I'll let God off the hook if he does this. Hear that Lemmy?? DESTROY CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER!
Laundromats - "That's right Granny. One 20p at a time. That'll be 4 minutes for the clothes to dry". So you say as the terrorists guarding the counter watch the time to launch their AK47s at you if you realise the whole thing is a CON to fund World War 3. Of course, it's not enough that they're NORMAL Middle Eastern folk. It's in the eyes. So yes, the not only tedious task of hauling your parents' wrinkled bras to the washer/dryer is a ripoff, it funds suicide bombers. GUARANTEED.
Water - What's this water business? "Extra minerals?" WHOOSH I'm the Six Million Dollar Man, *THANKS* Evian! I can do anything, I'll fly off a buildin-SPLAT. No, you're just another dead douche and that water was laced with psychotropics. Mineral water doesn't do shit. And tap water is for PUSSIES who should be hunting their water in the wild.
Busses - Aeroplanes on the road. I maintain my theory, the more bus/car crashes, the better. Use your legs you fucking pussies, you can learn to run as fast as a bus. Dumb fucks. AND THERE'S ONLY TWO "S"'s IN BUSES!!!
Coffee Crisp - Is this Toffee Crisp?! That jackoff snack aimed at workaholics wanting exciting new sensory amusement? Sniff that stuff, I dare you. The crunch is the corn out of my CRAP. I'll leave you to figure out the caramel filling.
Santa - HE'S. A. FUCKING. PAEDO.
Water World - Did you ever had days at the water park as happy as the kids in the adverts? NO. You remember getting skid marks on your bathing suit and effectual rug burn from losing your mat on the slide halfway down. Crying all the way home. More childhood trauma. Great. Fuck you Raging Waters.
Bananas - Now whose idea was it to have such a phallic shaped fruit?? This has inspired millions of people the world over to make half hearted gay jokes about their best friends. And, as I despise half heartedness - and homophobia - I wonder what it would be like if these people felt what it was like to be gay. TWO BANANAS, UP ALL OF YOUR ASSHOLES!
Cellphones - BING BONG! BEEP! Hey everyone, I'm a phone! I can play MP3s and store your music collection! I can record video of your best friend having buttsex on the lawn with a cat in a moment of drunken stupor! I can even give cultural credibility to an annoying frog imitating a car starting up! Yet I can't seem to perform my most basic of tasks when the reception fails!!! Yet another sign of our cultural wasteland overbearing itself. DIE.
Tattoos - Big hard man + tattoo of hentai chick + the ravaging effects of 40 years + nursing home = laughter from your senior peers. Let's see if your "love for art" extends to having your pride ripped from you as you basically stand on your deathbed. HA. HA.
Flower Gardens - Pussy ass gay fucking gaybuttsex shit. HUNT YOUR OWN FLOWERS!! HUNTING!!!! EXCLAMATION MARKS!!
Mexico - The vestigal tail of North America. Uncomfortably nestled inbetween the BADASS Panama Canal and California. I call upon Lemmy to smite it from the map as it is geographically unsound, and of not much use to anyone anyway.
Criminal Justice System - Who needs prisons. In fact, who needs death row? Just set the bereaving families upon all the criminals. Their vengeful murders will solve all the problems. I truly believe this is an unnecessary part of society. Makes my stomach CHURN.
Shampoo - Fucking CRAP! Since when did shampoo make you orgasm?!?! NICE JOB HERBAL ESSENCES, I PUT DOWN GOOD MONEY FOR THAT SHIT. We'll soon all be living in an apocalyptic wasteland where's there's no need for shampoo, so get used to it.
Tuesday - It's another inbetweener. The day AFTER Monday, but far before Friday. It's the middle child of the week, without any real design. Like an unwanted child, it sits there, just waiting to be over, because there are three more days to go until society sets you free for a while. I advocate euthanasia for Tuesday. Pull the fucking PLUG.
Cucumbers - Y'know why I hate cucumbers? The ladies refuse to have an imagination when it comes to their obvious implementation. Just another sign of the broad divide between man and woman. "Come on why not?" "Because it's a VEGETABLE!" "I never thought I'd say this, but only if you were FRENCH!"
They MOCK me. BASTARDS.
Screwdrivers - See cucumbers, but replace "vegetable" with "DIY implement".
Mother/Daughter Relationships - Let's face it, they're all lesbians. *shrug*
Wooly Mammoths - What fuckups. They roam the tundra of Earth, PWNING the unevolved lesser species before it. And then they have the TENACITY to get FROZEN. How delightfully anticlimatic. Pfft, they've lost their metal credentials if they can't survive a few thousand years in a block of ice. As I said...fuckups.
Inventions - In one of Lemmy's final grand ironies, this is the final sanctuary for the uninventive. Most of todays' daring designers are unfortunately a bit short on the old grey cells, m'dear. Human kind has been subjected to items such as the "24 hour Quake 3 toilet seat", LONG ENOUGH. If I can get the racists on my side and convince them there's an inventor conspiracy, I can live without the wackos in the world finding new ways for human kind to burn retinas, taunt their enemies with txt speak, and take a shit, at the same time. I will however, settle for them all SHITTING ACID into their toilet seats whilst crying for their mothers. To all Quake players and inventors, GET A REAL JOB POOFTERS.
Soup - Apparently the atoms decided to disband one day and form liquids. Pretty stupid of them huh? Instead of staying as solids they fall apart and occasionally bump into each other into a dreamlike state. Yes, like hippies. And then they have the nerve to call themselves TASTY? And have different flavours? What ever happened to the COLD HARD DISCIPLINE of being a diamond, sapphire, or hell, a bratwurst?!! Fuck off soup, and take your "unique exciting flavourings" with you!
Amazon.com - The sleek aesthetics of the terabyte sheen of Amazon is cruelly undermined by the sticking point that it's a pile of dog shit. My evidence? Their attempt to add some kind of artificial sentience to the cold and calculating corporate coprophagia. "Hi, virtual fuckstick here to offer you recommendations! You ARE Samuel Dyer aren't you?" No, you dumbass, I'm Barry, and this is Simon my gay redneck lover who's pet peeve is smart alec computers. He's handy with a shotgun and has the odd psychotic episode, if you catch my drift. Amazon.com offices, GET THAT SHIT OFF MY SCREEN.
Statistics - The pallid grease of the movie wanker slides down off a runny chin into a quivering heap of offal splayed to and fro his rickety office chair. Feebly stabbing at a cum encrusted keyboard, pawing his blackened base unit that has been sliced and diced with hardcore animal porn, logged into ImDB, he manages to enter the words: "OMG 87% OF SATAISTCIS R MADE UP ON THE SPOT LOL LOL" His heart stops as the realisation comes that statistics are a brown note in the history of small talk, the nervous cry of the lonely nerd at the school prom party making their creaky voice an unwanted presence in the crowded cliques with a desperate, solitary technical note that holds none of it's intended social value. And then, keeling over, and DEATH. Good riddance.
DVDs - (billgates) Check out all these exciting bonus features! nyuknyuk! (/billgates) Yes ladies and gentlemen, the mediocre thrills of stories from the set and CGI modelling of the lead actor's inefficiently sized cock can be yours on SPECIAL LIMITED TRIPLE DISC DIRECTOR'S CUT 25TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION! I'm surprised, after all these migraine inducing DVD adverts, the movie trailer guy hasn't slit his wrists. THE LONG WAY.
The number 11 - I despise the figure 11 as a drummer. It is a pathetic and unfunctional subdivision and time signature that no one really cares about. People like 19/16 and 5/4, not 11/32 or 11/2. Look mate, you look shit, you sound shit, you're the rhythmic equivalent of Emil, the Robocop Melting Man, you want someone to help you because you're inherently retarded but those odd notes will never be flattened out by anything except a CAR.
Wedgies - Once a pinnacle of terror. Nowadays, infuriating to the point of mental meltdown. As a person who when musing on the word "wedgie" thinks of children weeping blood at the hands of their mini-nazi oppressors, it cools my blood to a standstill to hear the uneducated ejaculate such loathsome misnomers such as "potato wedgies". There are no words for these scumbags. Though a wedgie with the use of potatoes could serve a grand purpose, the meaning is forever tainted by deceivers and pigfuckers. I SNEER AT YOU.
A Midget Fetus - First off, midgets shouldn't be allowed to live as they are abominations of Lemmy. He might find it funny but, as a servant, I find this despicable. If you are a fetus and at this point, I take the same stance as I would with a shemale. Kill it. Case CLOSED.
Watermelon - It's not bad enough that this sack of shit has to be perenially tied into stereotypes of an entire race. Oh no. It's one of the highest foods on the glycemic index! I have no doubt in my mind that this evil-as-obsidian olfactory deathknell is used in torture against diabetic soldiers in Melonomania. With the exception of its' use against any popular recording artists on USF tours that might fall captive, I will appeal in international courts for it to be designated as a violation of human rights. (Oh wait, I don't care about those either, hah!)
Rats - I actually like rats. I would use them as portable bombs to destroy the ill-intentioned. Very Happy
MSN - Appearances can be deceiving. MSN really stands for "Massive Sodomy Network". The program produces hypnotic subliminal messages on screen designed to make your eyes glaze whilst Microsoft executives sneak in and pillage your anus. They ARE PERVERTS. Forever frustrated from lack of female contact, now they'll take anything with a hole. YOU'RE NEXT.
The colour orange - Long utilised by smug Euro git "Stelios" in his "Easy" brand of companies - EasyJet, EasyInternet, EasyShit... First off, I despise anything "easy". There is only hard work, torture, and hardcore pornography in my new world. Well, that brings me to the exception of the one thing he HASN'T done...which frustrates me greatly. I can see it now.
"Hi, I'm Stelios, the owner of EasyJet. You know, sometime when you're feeling randy and you need to get laid, it can be difficult to find a brothel. But don't worry, I'm here to help. I have consolidated all the brothels together in the Soho area to make one super brothel. EasyLay! Our fine selection of ladies, men and transexuals, which you can pick online at www.easylay.org, are trained to perform any position or fetish you like. For one pound. That's right! Just one pound!"
I can only hope that he doesn't make them wear orange. (I certaintly won't).
FAKE TITS - Now there's a subject that nips at my mammaries.
I feel sorry for the weakwilled, lily livered ladies who, in their moments of painful insecurity, decide that the only way to attract the already desperately hormonally overdriven male classes is to ENHANCE the parts of them that drive the guys insane REGARDLESS OF SIZE. Come ON girls, it's not too tricky to attract a man in this day and age! just say "i like it everywhere, let's go boogaloo"! That's IT. Job DONE. +1 male. I repeat, there is NO NEED to stick a sack of silicon in your chest. If there is some other reason, for example if you believe that the large mass will make up for the brain power or lack thereof crawling through your nervous system at a snails pace, as if silicon has some magical IQ component, then you deserve the inevitable implant rupture, silicon poisoning, and eventual death that will come upon you.
That'll be 3 thousand dollars please.
Hippies have been berated for many years. I personally find myself not glowing with a reverential hatred, but more of a cold, grey loathing for them, not unlike lung cancer. Not only does their committal to a vague, mysterious cause against the vague, mysterious enemy of Big Bad Money Company Thing Dot Inc chafe, but their vague, mysterious attitude. Not to mention, they fucking smell.
I have often found myself with a hippie on each leg, holding on for dear life as i surf through the cosmos of time, and all they can muster up is "you got money for a doobie?!" I can barely raise a finger to flick them off. Through the power of my infinitely superior will, they flake away like the proverbial dustmite. Because i'm doing something with my life. And they just fucking SMELL. I cannot muster the rage against them that other, more successful persons might. I have a dying tumour for each and every hippie in the world. Those grey pasty faced fools. They remind me of barry sipping tea with his aunt in their actual lack of vitality. They can stumble around all they want on LSD and the famous "brown acid". BUT THEY STILL FUCKING SMELL.
Female comedians - The detritus of the club circuit. It might be deemed un PC to rail on a woman in this day and age, as it seems the male is now meant to protect the innocent lady from all obstacles. but personally, the stage has no place for feminine firebreathers with inability to create jokes beyond basic observation, loose grasp of irony, looser emotional control, and a trigger finger. That's right. Thinking of going to see a female comic? Imagine your mother on stage. In drag. "IT'S TIME FOR ALL YOUR BEDTIMES NOW! NO ARGUING!" *click click*. The art of comedy is an irresponsible, joyful one. One that I see being clamped down on by iron maidens everywhere! BEWARE THE BEAST WITHIN....the local pub on a saturday night performing to drunk gang members. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Argentina - The horrible nation patrolled by reptiles that spawned Evita and thus the cinematic abortion of the same name. Anything related to Madonna should be castrated from the public consciousness, burned, incinerated, never to return. That means an entire NATION of otherwise blame free people. To inspire Andrew Lloyd Webber and subsequent film adaptations of his work featuring the child of Satan? Their existence should be NULLIFIED.
School - Orwell was right. That's right everyone, 1984 is being bred in the backyards of suburbia at your local primary school. Minature chavs seethe on top of the to-be depressed in a nauseatingly violent pre pubescent display of pummelling, and the teachers wield their certified weapons, sorry, text books, as a egotistical display of social superiority. I can't believe it's law for me to go to a building where my soul and innocence is beaten down. This is time that could in fact, actually be spent wanking. Who needs education reform, NUKE ALL THE SCHOOLS EVERYWHERE.
My Underpants - A formless, blank, whore of a piece of clothing that holds no clue to the wonders within. I beg of you, the ones that went sky blue in the wash are certified toxic. Overall, my opinion of these? They are without function, a pathetic use for fabric that could be used to build my own hammock. Society says otherwise? Fuck society, and FUCK UNDERPANTS.
Human Rights - Pfft. Overrated. All humans ever do is eat, sleep, fuck and die. I think the rest is excessive. I've stated my views on education. Time to force children into LABOUR CAMPS. Little bastards believe in rights over responsibility? Well soon they'll learn of the responsibility to AVOID MY LOADED SNIPER RIFLE. Fucknuggets.
Cookbooks - HAHAHAHAHAH. The concept alone amuses me. You call yourself a MAN? You don't need that pansy ass shit. You belong in the WILD, RIPPING RAW MEAT FROM THE HINDSIDE OF A DEER AS IT GRAZES BESIDE YOU. Now THAT'S cooking motherfucker!
Denim Jackets - The choice of garment for the prematurely ejaculating teen of modern America. Their choice of music is probably indie and they hold at least 2 Morrisey LPs under their crusty armpits for the lone reason that the man himself will appear to give their items collectable value. Solution: napalm.
Strawberry Flavoured Milk - If this had not been envisioned in an advertising executive's janitor room, I'm sure Hitler would have used this instead of Zyklon-B for his final solution. The acrid taste recalls trapped stool in the mouth mixed with McFlurry Dog Semen edition.
Toenails - Meaningless, horrible devices only designed with the Guinness Book Of World Records crowd in mind. "HEY MA I GOT MY NAILS REALLY LAUNG, I BREAK RECOOOORDS!!!" Shoot him please. Besides, I've seen what's behind a nail and it makes little to no difference if the damn thing is there in the first place. Nice going God!
Airplanes - Look at the nice tin can. Not. It's a bilious, roaring mass, airbourne mucus with inefficient American gusto. I pray nightly for them all to fall to the ground in syncronized glory.
Homeless People - No real complaint. You and I are one step away from being fucking bums so I'm not going to complain. No, I'm changing this one to NOT HOMELESS PEOPLE. "Ooh look at me, I have a house and modern amenities! My future is secure!" Watch out for that corner, BANG, you've been buttfucked by a Rottweiler and your mutual savings on the internet is GONE. The option that says "Yes I would like to stay logged in" is a GREAT defense against a dog who has lingustic control of the English language and enough motor control over his paws to transfer all YOUR money to his off shore account in Cuba. FUXX0RED.
Garbage - HAH. I love garbage. Good tasty fun. Bring it, I'll bring the hobos here too, we can party. Today we live, tomorrow we die, and you get screwed in the ass by a dog in your home.
Motorhead - OK, Lemmy is God, then I have him to blame for the toenail fiasco. WHY?!?! Well, it makes sense, Lemmy isn't reknowned for his visual complexity Himself.
Microsoft Word - Bill Gates brought together the finest computing minds in the country, and gave us a paperclip, a dog, and a New Age bullshit BALL as help assistants. This clearly reflects on the quality of the program. I wanted a flourescent green with pink dots skin, not this grey and blue crap. You thought the XP crew might have come up with something that gay after making such a camp paperclip. "Ooh let's call him CLIPPY". "WOW. Great 4 year old demographic you got going there". Yes, and let's counteract that with the fact he's animated to give you a decidedly homoerotic dirty look. Just STUPID.
USB Cables - And to continue their spree of poor sexual mindedness, they had to call each end of the USB cable "male" and "female". Of course, it could be "A" and "B". But NOOOOOOO. Male = invasive, female = OH TAKE ME PLEASE. There's sex EVERYWHERE today. I've HAD IT!
British Humor - The epitome of "laughing at". The bitter, sly taste of British "wit" is so far gone foreign people now can clearly see below the surface and see the proud, stupid facade it all is. Not to mention the whole British nation's fear of embarrassment. Which I'm sure is easy to stimulate, just mention Margaret Thatcher and the Falkland Islands. The ones who are proud of it are shitheads anyway.
Styrofoam - I will keep this one short. Do not leave this in the room whilst breastfeeding. I won't explain why, but the truth is out there.
Peanut Butter - My brain freezes upon the mental recall of the sticky drip that is peanut butter. Like a cold swab of jism, it sticks to the mouth and refuses to budge until wrenched free - with super glue. Woe betide the man who has the crunchy version, which I want eradicated from stores. I'll let God off the hook if he does this. Hear that Lemmy?? DESTROY CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER!
Laundromats - "That's right Granny. One 20p at a time. That'll be 4 minutes for the clothes to dry". So you say as the terrorists guarding the counter watch the time to launch their AK47s at you if you realise the whole thing is a CON to fund World War 3. Of course, it's not enough that they're NORMAL Middle Eastern folk. It's in the eyes. So yes, the not only tedious task of hauling your parents' wrinkled bras to the washer/dryer is a ripoff, it funds suicide bombers. GUARANTEED.
Water - What's this water business? "Extra minerals?" WHOOSH I'm the Six Million Dollar Man, *THANKS* Evian! I can do anything, I'll fly off a buildin-SPLAT. No, you're just another dead douche and that water was laced with psychotropics. Mineral water doesn't do shit. And tap water is for PUSSIES who should be hunting their water in the wild.
Busses - Aeroplanes on the road. I maintain my theory, the more bus/car crashes, the better. Use your legs you fucking pussies, you can learn to run as fast as a bus. Dumb fucks. AND THERE'S ONLY TWO "S"'s IN BUSES!!!
Coffee Crisp - Is this Toffee Crisp?! That jackoff snack aimed at workaholics wanting exciting new sensory amusement? Sniff that stuff, I dare you. The crunch is the corn out of my CRAP. I'll leave you to figure out the caramel filling.
Santa - HE'S. A. FUCKING. PAEDO.
Water World - Did you ever had days at the water park as happy as the kids in the adverts? NO. You remember getting skid marks on your bathing suit and effectual rug burn from losing your mat on the slide halfway down. Crying all the way home. More childhood trauma. Great. Fuck you Raging Waters.
Bananas - Now whose idea was it to have such a phallic shaped fruit?? This has inspired millions of people the world over to make half hearted gay jokes about their best friends. And, as I despise half heartedness - and homophobia - I wonder what it would be like if these people felt what it was like to be gay. TWO BANANAS, UP ALL OF YOUR ASSHOLES!
Cellphones - BING BONG! BEEP! Hey everyone, I'm a phone! I can play MP3s and store your music collection! I can record video of your best friend having buttsex on the lawn with a cat in a moment of drunken stupor! I can even give cultural credibility to an annoying frog imitating a car starting up! Yet I can't seem to perform my most basic of tasks when the reception fails!!! Yet another sign of our cultural wasteland overbearing itself. DIE.
Tattoos - Big hard man + tattoo of hentai chick + the ravaging effects of 40 years + nursing home = laughter from your senior peers. Let's see if your "love for art" extends to having your pride ripped from you as you basically stand on your deathbed. HA. HA.
Flower Gardens - Pussy ass gay fucking gaybuttsex shit. HUNT YOUR OWN FLOWERS!! HUNTING!!!! EXCLAMATION MARKS!!
Mexico - The vestigal tail of North America. Uncomfortably nestled inbetween the BADASS Panama Canal and California. I call upon Lemmy to smite it from the map as it is geographically unsound, and of not much use to anyone anyway.
Criminal Justice System - Who needs prisons. In fact, who needs death row? Just set the bereaving families upon all the criminals. Their vengeful murders will solve all the problems. I truly believe this is an unnecessary part of society. Makes my stomach CHURN.
Shampoo - Fucking CRAP! Since when did shampoo make you orgasm?!?! NICE JOB HERBAL ESSENCES, I PUT DOWN GOOD MONEY FOR THAT SHIT. We'll soon all be living in an apocalyptic wasteland where's there's no need for shampoo, so get used to it.
Tuesday - It's another inbetweener. The day AFTER Monday, but far before Friday. It's the middle child of the week, without any real design. Like an unwanted child, it sits there, just waiting to be over, because there are three more days to go until society sets you free for a while. I advocate euthanasia for Tuesday. Pull the fucking PLUG.
Cucumbers - Y'know why I hate cucumbers? The ladies refuse to have an imagination when it comes to their obvious implementation. Just another sign of the broad divide between man and woman. "Come on why not?" "Because it's a VEGETABLE!" "I never thought I'd say this, but only if you were FRENCH!"
They MOCK me. BASTARDS.
Screwdrivers - See cucumbers, but replace "vegetable" with "DIY implement".
Mother/Daughter Relationships - Let's face it, they're all lesbians. *shrug*
Wooly Mammoths - What fuckups. They roam the tundra of Earth, PWNING the unevolved lesser species before it. And then they have the TENACITY to get FROZEN. How delightfully anticlimatic. Pfft, they've lost their metal credentials if they can't survive a few thousand years in a block of ice. As I said...fuckups.
Inventions - In one of Lemmy's final grand ironies, this is the final sanctuary for the uninventive. Most of todays' daring designers are unfortunately a bit short on the old grey cells, m'dear. Human kind has been subjected to items such as the "24 hour Quake 3 toilet seat", LONG ENOUGH. If I can get the racists on my side and convince them there's an inventor conspiracy, I can live without the wackos in the world finding new ways for human kind to burn retinas, taunt their enemies with txt speak, and take a shit, at the same time. I will however, settle for them all SHITTING ACID into their toilet seats whilst crying for their mothers. To all Quake players and inventors, GET A REAL JOB POOFTERS.
Soup - Apparently the atoms decided to disband one day and form liquids. Pretty stupid of them huh? Instead of staying as solids they fall apart and occasionally bump into each other into a dreamlike state. Yes, like hippies. And then they have the nerve to call themselves TASTY? And have different flavours? What ever happened to the COLD HARD DISCIPLINE of being a diamond, sapphire, or hell, a bratwurst?!! Fuck off soup, and take your "unique exciting flavourings" with you!
Amazon.com - The sleek aesthetics of the terabyte sheen of Amazon is cruelly undermined by the sticking point that it's a pile of dog shit. My evidence? Their attempt to add some kind of artificial sentience to the cold and calculating corporate coprophagia. "Hi, virtual fuckstick here to offer you recommendations! You ARE Samuel Dyer aren't you?" No, you dumbass, I'm Barry, and this is Simon my gay redneck lover who's pet peeve is smart alec computers. He's handy with a shotgun and has the odd psychotic episode, if you catch my drift. Amazon.com offices, GET THAT SHIT OFF MY SCREEN.
Statistics - The pallid grease of the movie wanker slides down off a runny chin into a quivering heap of offal splayed to and fro his rickety office chair. Feebly stabbing at a cum encrusted keyboard, pawing his blackened base unit that has been sliced and diced with hardcore animal porn, logged into ImDB, he manages to enter the words: "OMG 87% OF SATAISTCIS R MADE UP ON THE SPOT LOL LOL" His heart stops as the realisation comes that statistics are a brown note in the history of small talk, the nervous cry of the lonely nerd at the school prom party making their creaky voice an unwanted presence in the crowded cliques with a desperate, solitary technical note that holds none of it's intended social value. And then, keeling over, and DEATH. Good riddance.
DVDs - (billgates) Check out all these exciting bonus features! nyuknyuk! (/billgates) Yes ladies and gentlemen, the mediocre thrills of stories from the set and CGI modelling of the lead actor's inefficiently sized cock can be yours on SPECIAL LIMITED TRIPLE DISC DIRECTOR'S CUT 25TH ANNIVERSARY EDITION! I'm surprised, after all these migraine inducing DVD adverts, the movie trailer guy hasn't slit his wrists. THE LONG WAY.
The number 11 - I despise the figure 11 as a drummer. It is a pathetic and unfunctional subdivision and time signature that no one really cares about. People like 19/16 and 5/4, not 11/32 or 11/2. Look mate, you look shit, you sound shit, you're the rhythmic equivalent of Emil, the Robocop Melting Man, you want someone to help you because you're inherently retarded but those odd notes will never be flattened out by anything except a CAR.
Wedgies - Once a pinnacle of terror. Nowadays, infuriating to the point of mental meltdown. As a person who when musing on the word "wedgie" thinks of children weeping blood at the hands of their mini-nazi oppressors, it cools my blood to a standstill to hear the uneducated ejaculate such loathsome misnomers such as "potato wedgies". There are no words for these scumbags. Though a wedgie with the use of potatoes could serve a grand purpose, the meaning is forever tainted by deceivers and pigfuckers. I SNEER AT YOU.
A Midget Fetus - First off, midgets shouldn't be allowed to live as they are abominations of Lemmy. He might find it funny but, as a servant, I find this despicable. If you are a fetus and at this point, I take the same stance as I would with a shemale. Kill it. Case CLOSED.
Watermelon - It's not bad enough that this sack of shit has to be perenially tied into stereotypes of an entire race. Oh no. It's one of the highest foods on the glycemic index! I have no doubt in my mind that this evil-as-obsidian olfactory deathknell is used in torture against diabetic soldiers in Melonomania. With the exception of its' use against any popular recording artists on USF tours that might fall captive, I will appeal in international courts for it to be designated as a violation of human rights. (Oh wait, I don't care about those either, hah!)
Rats - I actually like rats. I would use them as portable bombs to destroy the ill-intentioned. Very Happy
MSN - Appearances can be deceiving. MSN really stands for "Massive Sodomy Network". The program produces hypnotic subliminal messages on screen designed to make your eyes glaze whilst Microsoft executives sneak in and pillage your anus. They ARE PERVERTS. Forever frustrated from lack of female contact, now they'll take anything with a hole. YOU'RE NEXT.
The colour orange - Long utilised by smug Euro git "Stelios" in his "Easy" brand of companies - EasyJet, EasyInternet, EasyShit... First off, I despise anything "easy". There is only hard work, torture, and hardcore pornography in my new world. Well, that brings me to the exception of the one thing he HASN'T done...which frustrates me greatly. I can see it now.
"Hi, I'm Stelios, the owner of EasyJet. You know, sometime when you're feeling randy and you need to get laid, it can be difficult to find a brothel. But don't worry, I'm here to help. I have consolidated all the brothels together in the Soho area to make one super brothel. EasyLay! Our fine selection of ladies, men and transexuals, which you can pick online at www.easylay.org, are trained to perform any position or fetish you like. For one pound. That's right! Just one pound!"
I can only hope that he doesn't make them wear orange. (I certaintly won't).
No comments:
Post a Comment