I arrived into Loughborough in April 2001. I had to hide under a collection of coats in the house that night because they didn't have a bed for me then. April 29th?
For 2 1/2 years I went to an all boys school. I remember being shouted at during induction because I was listening to music on my CD walkman. Start as you mean to go on. Highlights include alienating the entire student body on the first day, spending 2 hours in the library every Thursday submitting CD reviews on 'musicmademe.com' rather than submit myself to their CCF 'army training', and wanting to run home early because it was 2 minutes away from school to my street, going on a trip to California and being bullied by the year below me, hiding in the toilets rather than go to cricket, having no idea what was in a vulva in Biology, doing a shit job in Art, looking at the crowd of people playing football on the cricket pitch and knowing I would never fit in, doing disastrously at a game of hockey I was required to perform in, seeing a massive pool of blood down by the portacabins getting a huge blister on a day out and then being insulted by a real fucking cunt of a teacher ('oh dear, get in shape'), and strangely enough, fluking a B in Chemistry during my GCSEs.
I walked away on the final day with a proverbial middle finger, glad to be alive. The few good points included Johnny Weisall, the Maths teacher, Mr Khan, the Physics teacher, my nuts History teacher, and my terrific English teacher, who was a true encouragement. My French teacher wasn't bad either, even though he was hopeless. I developed my music taste and started drumming. Only problem was my self esteem at that point was through the floor and I didn't practice. I did what I do now, hide behind intellect, making large lists of what could be. I didn't really have any friends and spent every day after school drinking 2 liters of Coke and eating a pack of Pringles, playing Lemmings on my AMD computer, which later broke its motherboard and had a 40gb hard drive with 6k mp3s, naturally expire because it was part of a faulty batch at Fujitsu.
So I left and went to Rawlins Community College. The polar opposite of LGS. I walked up to a tall stranger wearing a Dream Theater shirt and introduced myself. Commonalities. I gotta say, this was a much more positive experience, despite being dubbed Skeletor in the first week. Highlights include: an obnoxious helpless chap called Nick Austin alienating our 12 strong peer group by masturbating in the public park around everyone (he's now an Australian surfer), my making a spiteful, but hilarious animated movie about him (which you can view at the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvRm0sCg_50 ), a hilarious presentation in General Studies on 'Social Mobility' in which fearless allies John and Joe include slow moving wheelchairs, the odd middle class dickhead, Samuel L Jackson, and 'Dr Joe answering questions and ruining your shit!', me and James inventing this gay, racist, fecrophiliac incestual idiot called John Walker, who was actually a real person but don't let that ruin your fun (link here:http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/Scratch47/WalkerFile.jpg), many great house parties, and some that were shit (Hell With The Skel, one where someone lost their virginity the first time through), spending too much time in the coffee bar....much more. I was still an angry bitter chap and made many stupid decisions. I largely kept to myself though.
I decided to go to DrumTech in the fall of 2005. This is even more clear in the memory. I remember flunking the first live song I did because the singer went into an imaginary third verse on 'Midnight Hour', being quickly overwhelmed by the workload, being shouted at by my flatmates in the 3rd week because I was trying to download all of Adobe's products behind their backs without their knowledge (I still feel incredibly bad about this due to conscience), changing flats to moving with a Frenchman and virtuoso Italian drummer, who invited his family around and freaked me out (we ended up having a massive fallout 3 days prior to the end), practicing typing and downloading about a terabyte of movies from Usenet (I'm now of the opinion that downloading devalues the experience of media), my crazy Contemporary Styles teacher Phelan Kane....but the best things were teachers - Haydn Callow, Erik Stams, and Darryn Farrugia. They're all still there teaching. I wonder if they want to be there. With the possible exception of Erik, I just wanted to say to them, 'go and be happy, this is wearing on your soul. I'm sure you want to give up'
I took a year break where I planned to practice for the degree. It ended in depression and misery. I did no work. I tried getting my first job shelf stacking. I developed urticaria, a skin condition where I start frantically itching because I couldn't sweat. For a while that was tough. Now I have a portable sauna for that. That job was hell, I remember being on the top floor, again, thinking I could almost hide behind the back and no one would ever find me. Just like at school. How horribly, horribly sad. What a purposeless thing to take on myself - even as I said in my job interview I was willing to do anything, I understand fully and utterly now that I never could or will. My fulfillment is in joy, not compliance. I will never go back to a job, or school, ever again. All of that just hurt my heart. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I HURT. It just hurts.
I went to university, and failed in the first year due to a combination of paranoia, depression, laziness, and disliking my flatmates. Finances were hard. I didn't like the work. I spent a week in my doom room, not eating, reading up on the looming oil crash. I went home, started work on a computer course, and then in April of 2009 the brain inflammation/cancer thing started. I was typing up on productivity (oh the fucking irony) and my eyes twitch and go out of sync. I go to the opticians and get glasses fit. April 1st 2009 the doctor sends me to hospital. An MRI reveals a 15cm white patch in my right hemisphere. 8 months of neurology and opthamology does nothing. A biopsy reveals I have terminal brain cancer. I decide to fight it with cannabis oil, DCA, and Budwig muesli. Now we are up to date.
OK, even though my life seems to be, from this perspective, a reverse nightmarish descent into mediocrity and despair, there was a lot of positivity to it otherwise I might not have endured. I'm doing this because I want to learn a lesson for myself. That everything I went through was produced by my own idiocy. It can be reversed.
I'm typing this because inconsistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and my life is a testament to inconsistency. I have to view it in as much a sense of totality as I can to get a bearing of where I'm going next, before my emotions pull my strings and I get distracted by the stuff of life, forget the entire spirit of this post, and continue on in insanity. I have to give 100% or be plagued by regret. And I'm not. Even upon review I feel it creeping up on me. FUCK YOU.
I don't want to build a friends list. I want to build compassion and integrity and trust. The entire nature of social networking is actually almost dehumanizing. It's like spreading yourself like a thin paste amongst acquaintances in a thin game of social stroking. The better game to play would be 'pass the parcel', and not cover up yourself and call that reality, but strip yourself bare and see who wants to play. You get a lot of weird looks. But you have to. It's who you are.
I'm listening to 'Scribble' by Underworld (scratch that, it's now 'Banstyle'). I love ambient a lot more than death metal these days, because I enjoy mindless texture. The pain of my choices has led me to not wanting to make any choice. I want to become superconscious. I want to melt into God, the all in all, and see where I go then. I keep saying, for the last 4 years, 'time to jump off a cliff.' Well, I could be dying. Let's go. And let's not carry this personal story of...being a little lost boy...which I have held in my heart ever since I was 3 and I saw my mother crying in Reigate, in a depressed stupor. I said...'don't cry mummy, or I'll cry too.'
That's one of my earliest memories. I've been dealing with a lot of things under that banner. Nearly everything. It's difficult to see how I would cope without this personal story. But that's the point. There are stupidities everywhere - nuclear war, Jersey Shore, illegal tunes on YouTube which I have enjoyed, bad haircuts, pollution and global warming, armageddon, the 10-30 window, sexual repression, fear of death, silly putty... this doesn't mean anything. Just more reactionary tales. How about living a life of real meaning? A life without fear? Where you melt into existence, and choices do not bear the burden of the past, at all, ever? New thoughts? No fear at all. In fact, it's almost wordless, because words are twisted before they leave your mouth, or are reiterated in a cloud of confusion.
Anything that runs contrary to love shall die. This is true, but it's another of those portentious statements that makes me tired of myself. So...God...(and not the fucking stupid, duplicitious, evil man in the sky who sets arbitrary rules, but the entire universe), let me be a vessel for joy, and all that comes through it. Salvation is a given. Got a poster on my walls, 'death or glory'. No. Death IS glory. It hurts, oh God it hurts, let it hurt, let the hurt shred through my body and resensitize me. PLEASE. Hurt.
Small starts, deleting Facebook. All these beautiful, intelligent, friendly people - some who have not been to me at all. I have to name names. I'm not sure Lucy Purves even likes me, for example. Many stupid Internet flings - I mean, my God, how pathetic is this? Just say goodbye. It was never real. If something never matches up to everything life has inspired you to be, drop it and run like the wind. That means people. It feels amazing. Goodbye. Goodbye, I love you.
Omina Yasmin - you're rather gorgeous and I enjoyed flirting with you late at night whilst watching Happy Feet in hospital 10 months ago, even though I didn't have the stones to kiss you and your culture forbids dating outside your religion. Parkour. More Underworld. Melting into God. Stream of consciousness.
Amanda Myhre, I always thought of you as a troubled soul. Your mother set herself on fire and I don't think you've ever forgiven yourself. Don't fall too prey to pretention whilst studying fashion.
Many more people, gone away, troubled by work or slaves to it, goodbye, you are all good people :)
Ben Banister - my old friend and drum teacher. This is nothing personal, it's just that this is dehumanizing beyond words to use this site to me. I don't want to be hooked on anything.
I've noticed people put up the pictures which resonate deepest within them. Goodbye to you too.
Yasmin - you are a sweetheart but I hate Facebook. Will see you soon.
Mikail Conybeare - Stop hiding from yourself, it doesn't serve you. You're too talented for this. You're missing your life.
Sam Jesson - I don't even know you, but once upon a time you inspired me. Maybe we'll meet again.
Rohini - I don't even know you. The only good memory I have of you was when me and Stuart both got naked and freaked the living shit out of 2 dozen people at my house party...I'll never forget the look on John's face as I ran into the living room.
Peter Vickers - I never really liked you, in fact, I don't think you even truly believe in Jesus. I think it's a social ploy for you. But I could be wrong and on the deepest level, give you love anyway...
Dan Blundell - you always were a little too self obsessed (I should know), but you turned me on to Zen and Osho, THANK YOU. God bless.
I know this seems facile. But today, doing something like this is akin to commiting social suicide. My personal stock points would be crashing, except for the fact I know no one gives a shit, not really. I see people separated from their deepest joy in every respect. Worse than sad. Short words befit. This is futile. It's going to be this way forever. Abandon ship. Off to, wherever. It's over. IT'S OVER. FACE IT.
Marcus Gooch....my old friend. Till we meet again. I don't think we'll ever go rock climbing like I said we would.
Jonathan Ho - I like you! Every time we've met you have been sincere and pretty open. I'll no doubt see you again in the flat.
Chris Abbass - you are terrific. I'm hanging on to you because I want to meet up with you again. You have lived a life thus far that's at least interesting and I want to know how you're doing.
Afia - you are also terrific, and I'm sending you a message to my MSN account, which I'll also be pruning heavily. That day we spent was rather wonderful, and though you are perhaps too naive in spirituality, I don't really know anything about your life. See you soon.
Timo - you're a SICK drummer. See you on the forums. Or not.
Jo Upton - you are a sweetheart. You have a good nature, and I see you actually choose to follow it sometimes. It will always serve you well.
Lydia Easton - WOW. I'm amazed at how you turned your life around. Sorry for the way I acted when you came up to see me. I was a bit of a dick that day, and cancer had nothing to do with it.
Carl King - I don't even know if I ever engaged in a personal relationship with this man, but his smart, witty, introverted style is great. I'm a huge fan of Dr Zoltan. His work is brilliant and scathing, and by all measures in my eyes, his rants were utterly right. Kindred spirit. Will follow his work. Or not.
Joe Adlard - I've never forgiven you for calling me 'human cancer'. That was a brutal thing to do. But you softened to me. I really enjoyed that evening we spent in the car back from my birthday, and never really connected with you on the same level again. That makes me sad. I REALLY like how you've built a loving and kind relationship with your girlfriend Melanie. I only hope it continues. I haven't seen that kind of goodness in our generation for quite some time. Or maybe I'm projecting. Blessings.
Sally Black - You are dopey and sometimes really irritating, but you have good intentions, and I hope you look deep inside yourself to take them to another level. Thank you for being kind and listening too.
Stacey Hyams - you're beautiful and that's why I added you. Otherwise I don't know. You're probably a good soul. Whatever. I don't know, I'm talking to myself.
Winnie - you were sweet and annoying and friendly and bitchy and a lot of things, you were my first girlfriend, my first lover, and a good person and woman. I miss you in all your dimensions. Have some joy, and I'll chat to you very soon.
Sophia - you're beautiful, and kind, and rather quiet. Thanks for being a good friend.
I'm too tired to do the rest. Bored here. I wrote this post with every intention of running away. I'm listening to Buckethead's Soothsayer. It reminds me of Budapest. The only place I've ever known true peace. Makes me weep. There were a couple more people to add on here but I don't have the heart...will edit to add later.
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